suffering, missing home, and The Dreaded Question
weekly recap .09
Hey, stranger.
This was my first week in the bakery, and I quit yesterday. Surprise! My resignation has very little to do with the actual job because it’s genuinely a wonderfully operated business, and a lovely group of people. What really caused it was the fact that I broke down this week. I bawled my eyes out for hours after every shift, I couldn’t sleep, I could barely eat, I couldn’t think of anything besides wanting to give up. I worked 46 hours this week and basically collapsed into bed every night. Given my excitement for the bakery last week, my panic came at me from left field. I’m not going to go into too much detail about it, and I’d be happy to never speak about this week again, but this was a huge learning moment for me. I learned, for maybe the 5th time this year, that taking care of myself is more important than proving myself. I felt a lot of guilt for quitting, because I believe in having grit and doing hard things, but it just wasn’t worth it. I haven’t been shy about this in my last posts, and I won’t be shy about it now— I’m really struggling. And it’s been hard for me to get better. Regardless of my shame about quitting, I’m so grateful to myself for having the courage to know when to take care of myself. That has not been a strength of mine in the past. But! Enough of that. I don’t want to harp on my problems, I know that I am one of the most privileged people, and I am forever grateful for it.
My matcha + coffee + water (triple fisting) set up at work...
I’m gearing up to head back home for Christmas and New Years, which means one thing: I need to rehearse my answer to the inevitable so what are you doing with your life now? question. You would think that people wouldn’t ask this, given how much everyone is quick to follow with I used to hate when people asked me that. Okay, so don’t ask me? Maybe I’ll burst into tears anytime anyone asks and they’ll eventually get the hint. Like usual, I’m feeling really sad about not having a career job yet, and while I’ve gotten good at soothing myself, it’s not particularly easy to do that when that’s all everyone wants to talk about. The sadness, maybe shame is a better word, about my job situation seems to crop up at random points throughout my weeks. On Monday, I got nauseous at 8am during my morning shift at the cafe because Nora Ephron has a whole chapter on her first job out of college in I Remember Nothing, the latest book of hers I’m reading. I got upset because I couldn’t stop thinking about how if I ever wrote a memoir, my first year post college chapter would be empty. Not empty exactly, but not containing any of the things I wanted it to. I suppose I should take this moment to clarify that I believe it is essential for me to learn how to disconnect myself from my career— a skill that I believe will make me a better person in the long term. My job is not who I am, and everyone is on their own path, blah blah blah. Still, I had to set down the book and take a few deep breaths.
Despite the threat of existential questions, I can’t wait to go home. I miss my sisters and my parents and my dog and Cornell Farms and NW Portland and driving down Burnside and my house when it’s decorated for Christmas and my mom watching the morning news in the kitchen and my cat sleeping in the little nook on the couch and the fireplace when it really gets going. I miss my friends and the neighborhood park and going shopping with my sister and Sunrise Bagels and my bookshelf I built all by myself and getting Thai takeout on Fridays with my family and watching the sunset at the cemetery. I miss my home.
Something I have not quite gotten used to as an adult is just how many versions of home you’ll have in your life. There are some apartments I never thought about after I moved out and some I miss, knowing I’ll never go back. There will, inevitably, be cities that I move to and Seattle will become the place I used to live. When will it stop feeling like home? And when did it start? I remember moving to Seattle and thinking I would never grow to love it. Here I am, almost 3 years later and I can’t tell if I’ll miss it when I leave. I think I will. I hope I do.
Anyway. Enough rambling about things that have not happened yet. Let’s talk about workplace fashion. In this case, my workplace for the week was a bakery, but I’ve worked in an office and even though some of the constraints are different, it still was hard for me to figure out what to wear. In the bakery, I had to wear clothes that I can wear comfortably for 8 hours on my feet, with lots of moving around. Clothes that, God forbid, can survive the occasional spill or splatter. This is a point of contention for me, and I have spent many a 5am morning staring at my closet numbly, deciding what to wear. Will my feet be ruined if I wear my loafers to my closing shift? What if I sweat in my hand-wash-only sweater? Is a skin tight top not appropriate for work or am I being old fashioned? What if I get cream cheese on my new jeans? Usually I opt for the safe option— sweater and jeans with my beat up Reebox. Maybe I’ll just have to get creative with accessories or maybe, shockingly, I will have to be okay with the fact that work is not always the place to wear my favorite clothes. Maybe one day. Here are some of the fits I’ve worn to work this week:
edit: I was catatonic after Tuesday so I never took any more fit pics… sorry!
I know I spent a lot of this post discussing the woes in my life currently, and I wanted to take a moment to appreciate some of the things I love in my life:
01. Last weekend, my friends and I had our annual Christmas breakfast and movie day, and while this week was one of the hardest I’ve had in a long time, I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.
02. I am in a relationship with someone who I love very dearly, and who spent this week taking care of me, when I couldn’t take care of myself.
03. My sister called me this week to check in on me, and while we used to look a lot alike, we are growing apart physically. On one hand, this makes me sad because I loved having a pseudo twin and it felt like something that tied us together. But, I’ve loved watching her grow up and into her own person. I’m grateful for our differences now, despite wanting us to be tied together forever.
04. My friends S and E are my most cherished friendships and I get to see them in a week.
05. I love when it gets dark at 4:30pm in the winter, and I can be cozy for an unfathomable amount of time each night. I can light my candles and drink my hot cider and listen to cozy jazz and curl up under a blanket.
06. My morning coffee has been delicious recently, I’m happy to say. I make a double espresso with Vanilla Coffee Mate creamer (foamed), which is deliciously over sugared and probably terrible for me. Tastes divine.
That’s all for now. See you next week from Portland! I can’t wait.
xoxo,
ev